Roller Coaster Ride

Total Pounds Down:

I'm back down again. Just over 5 lbs. lost. I've been avoiding the scales for fear that I would have gained weight but felt I needed to do it this morning and get it over with. I just took a look at my last post and realized that I hadn't updated that the 217 I had been at had only been temporary. I was back down to 212 a few days ago. The 207 is 5 pounds down from even that. So what I thought was going to be a horrible month for weight-loss turned out to be ok. Yay!

I'm still healing from my surgery, and still have tubes in my sides, so typing for extended periods of time is still not cool. This post is short, sorry.

I go in on the 29th to add fluid to my new fake boobs. So, I'll gain weight there, but not real weight. lol Fluid, not fat.

Oh, and I didn't go back to work Thursday. I'll be there Monday though.

Current weight: 207 lbs.
Current BMI: 35'ish

**Image courtesy http://www.flickr.com/photos/rehvonwald/

Down then Up

I weighed myself Sunday and was down to 222 lbs! Freakin' Yay!! But I wasn't eating well on Friday, or Saturday for that matter, and that all caught up to me today. Stepped on the scale today and I was back up about a half pound. Enough to shove me back to 223 lbs. That's ok though. It's Monday, and that's a common occurrence for Mondays. I'll be back to 222 by tomorrow I'm sure. I usually am.

For exercise this weekend, I was supposed to go back to the Couch to 5k program, Saturday, with my BF, but there was this big hullabaloo and long story short, I didn't go. To make up for it, I walked to Eugene from my house yesterday, which is a 2.5 hour walk. I did the elliptical today, which I really didn't want to do, but needed to do. I think I'm going to stick to that for this week instead of running. I'll wait till I weigh a little less to start the running back up again. The last two times I tried, my right leg/knee hurt really badly. I don't want to mess it up. I don't want to make excuses either, so that's why I'm back to the elliptical. Besides, there are cute guys in the gym. lol

According to the machine, I burned over 200 cals. on the elliptical today, and so far I've only had one SF Rice pudding to eat, and my vitamins. So I've burned more than I've taken in. I haven't had lunch yet, cause I wasn't hungry after working out. I have another SF pudding sitting here, open, untouched. I was gonna have eggs, but never had time to go down and buy them. And now, it's almost time to go home.

Oh well, what can you do? I guess I won't feel as guilty for snacking later at home this way.



Current weight: 223 lbs.

Weight Update

No catchy title today, just a weight update. I had my run yesterday, and I was feelin' pretty good. I hung out the rest of my work day with my cube mate, that was pretty fun. Then... I went to the dentist. Lets just say, the rest of my day was pretty well crap. Going to the dentist to deal with my tooth again, same tooth that I've been in for twice before this, was a pain in my arse. Having your mouth forced open for over an hour is hard on the jaw muscles. I wonder if I could get a muscle relaxant next time? Maybe that would help. *shrugs*

Something he was using in my mouth made me cough a few times while he was working on my mouth. And whatever he was doing, something made me nauseous so I had a hard time eating when I went home. I had a heaping tablespoon of peanut butter for dinner. I just couldn't stomach anything else, and my mouth was hurting anyway.

I'm getting behind on my water lately too. I'm trying to work on that. I'm drinking water right now, before I can have my breakfast. I've been eating breakfast first, then drinking an hour later, but I think that's shrinking my water drinking time.

On a good note, my weight is down again! Yay me! It's at 228lbs now, and just barely. If I lose even half a pound more I'll be at 227. I'm so freakin' excited about this. I love this thing. I just need like... 50 more pounds down and I can get my boobs done. That would be nice. I'm going to make the appointment with the plastic surgeon in September/October after I've lost like 40 of the total 75 I need to lose. So I can prove that I'm on my way, and hopefully he'll schedule my boob job for November/December. I would prefer December though.

Well, I'm off to finish my water now.

Cheerio!

Current weight: 228lbs.
Current BMI: 38.??

Weekends are bad for me.

I am beginning to hate weekends. I have no will power.

Did I make my goals this last week? No. Well, some, but mostly, no.

1. French, 20 mins per day. I got this in on two days last week.


2. Work out in the gym at least 2 times this week. Yes. This goal was met.


3. Walk 30 minutes each day I'm not in the gym. All but Saturday. But to make up for it I walked 1.5 hours yesterday.


4. Get to 235 lbs. by Sunday. Stuck at 238 because of some bad food choices.

I had ice cream over the weekend, Chinese food, and I was drinking with a couple of my meals. I'm going to stick to some better food choices the rest of this week. No more ice cream, and I will pay close attention to the drinking thing. That was mostly because it's been so hot, so I've been extra thirsty. It's hard not to drink when you're really thirsty.

I'm excited because I'm getting free movie tickets later this week, hopefully Saturday we will go see the new Harry Potter movie.

Here are my new goals for this week:

1. French, 20 mins per day.


2. Work out in the gym at least 2 times this week.


3. Walk 30 minutes each day I'm not in the gym.


4. No drinking with meals/make sure I'm getting enough water between meals.
   



Current weight: 238lbs.

Can't..resist.....must.have...treats...

Weigh in this morning sucked. I'm up .7 lbs. Luckily still holding steady in the 239, but if I keep eating like I did yesterday, I'm gonna have problems.

I know I haven't gotten my first fill yet, but any gain feels like failure. Especially after eating everything I could get my hands on yesterday. I know, it's NOTHING like how I ate before. All those bites that I took would have been whole items instead of just bites. I would have eaten the whole salad, and gotten myself a whole dessert. Actually, I probably wouldn't have gotten a salad. I would have gotten an appetizer, and a big burger or steak, and eaten it all. I have nothing to be ashamed of for eating what I ate yesterday. It was bad, but still, just a drop in the bucket comparatively.

I did get in my exercise yesterday. I did 15 minutes on the elliptical at the gym. I'm walking today. Tomorrow I'll get back on the elliptical and do 20 minutes instead. The 15 was just because I was chicken. I wasn't sure I could do it, so I set it low. I was fine, and probably could have gone another 5-10 minutes. My legs would have been rubber, but I could have done it. Hopefully by Thursday I'll be over my monthly issues too, which makes the whole shower/change thing easier too.

So today I'm trying to switch up my eating a little. I didn't eat on my first break like I usually do. I'm drinking water instead, trying to get down about 20+ ounces before I eat. I snacked on 3 radishes while I was drinking water to keep the hunger down a bit. I figure they have almost no calories, so it doesn't hurt me to eat them and drink at the same time. I just looked it up, and a whole cup of radish slices is only 19-23 calories, depending on what site you look at. Nothing. lol

I'm trying to push back when I eat, so that I'm not so hungry after work. That's when I get the most trouble. I get home, start snacking, and it turns into what you saw yesterday. I need to be full when I get home so I don't feel the need to graze. I sure can't wait for my fill. I would love to feel as full as I did the weekend after surgery. Yeesh.

Here is the list of what I'm eating today:

For breakfast I'm having a can of tuna (80 cals) with 1/2 a tomato (15 cals) chopped in, and about 1 1/2 tablespoons of miracle whip (55 cals). For lunch I brought a can of cream of celery soup. I know, no protein, but an easy way to fill my belly with low calories. It's only 90 calories per serving, so even if I eat the whole can I'll only get about 225 calories.

Total for breakfast and lunch: 375 cals.


For dinner I have planned to make baked lemon chicken with mushroom sauce. I'm going to try my hand at wild rice on the side, and probably a salad. I'm not very good at making rice though, so wish me luck.

So if I eat a chicken breast with some rice, the lemon chicken is about 392 calories, and the rice is about 82 calories for a half cup.

Total for dinner: 474 cals. (if I eat the whole chicken breast)

Total for the day: 849 cals.

Assuming that I don't snack. Wish me luck.


Current weight: 239 lbs.

Official Weigh In Day

Weighed in this morning. 2 weeks from the day after surgery, my official weigh in day, till I make it something different. Should I make it Monday? So it's exactly from when I got banded? Or leave it Tuesday, so it's from the first time I weighed myself after banding? It should probably be Sunday, the day before banding, but I didn't weigh myself that day, and they didn't weigh me the day of surgery.

Conundrum.

So Tuesday it is. For now. And back to my weight... I was down .2 of the pounds that I was up yesterday, so I'm almost back to 238. I've heard from other people that most go up a bit and then drop dramatically. I hope that's me! lol. The .2 brought me to exactly 239 lbs. Had I lost just .1 more pounds I would have been back at 238. That would have been good. I like that number. I would like 237 even better!

I was really good eating wise yesterday. I had 1/2 chicken breast for breakfast, with a couple bites of applesauce, and the same for lunch. For dinner I had about 1 1/2 cups of Turkey Pumpkin Chili, and a teaspoon of light sour cream to top part of it. Other than that it's been water, or decaf tea with Splenda, which I don't drink after meals. Oh, and my vitamins. Yum yum.

I need new goals for this week, which I should have set Monday, but I couldn't think of what I wanted them to be. I have now though, so here they are:

1. French, 20 mins per day.


2. Work out in the gym at least 2 times this week.


3. Walk 30 minutes each day I'm not in the gym.


4. Get to 235 lbs. by Sunday.

I think these are do-able. So wish me luck!

Current weight: 239 lbs.

That Funny Feeling

My weight is up by .4 lbs, which puts me back in the 239 pounds area, as of this morning. I was sad to break my losing streak, but not entirely surprised. Weekends are not good for me. I have a bit of a co-dependent thing with my boyfriend, and when he gets snacky, guess who also gets snacky? On top of that, I made mac-n-cheese at the request of my daughter, and ate some. I knew I shouldn't but I just couldn't help it!

I know it's only .4 pounds, but I'm supposed to be losing weight, not gaining it back!

The tree I saw on my walk today.

Needless to say, I was disappointed this morning. I'm sure it'll be back down soon though. I'm on the tail end of my "monthly issues" and I'm sure I'll drop a bit once I'm all done there. I also walked 40 minutes yesterday, and 40 minutes today. I plan to do it again the rest of this week too.

I remembered to bring my food for breakfast and lunch today, teriyaki chicken and apple sauce. (for both.. the chicken was leftovers)

When I was eating lunch today, I got one of those reminder jolts that I have something stopping me from eating. I got through with my chicken - protein first! - and started my applesauce. I got about 3 bites when I got this ... heavy feeling in my gut. I took one more bite and stopped. I only took that last bite because it was already half in my mouth when I felt the heaviness. It's a really good thing that I picked the smaller piece of chicken for my lunch, or I probably would have PB'd. lol
Which I haven't yet done, btw.



Current weight: 239 lbs.

Just Short...

The question for the morning is; Did I meet my goals? hmm... lets see:

So as you already know, I did one set of "Squat/Shoulders/Sky". I never got a second one in because my legs hurt too much.

2 hours + of French yesterday!! C'est Magnefique!! (spelling?? lol)

Shakes were already made. I have a frozen one in my bag, thawing for lunch.

No 20 minute walk, was replaced by 30 minutes of Yoga!

Weight: Barely 240!

I lost .7 pounds this morning, which put me .2 pounds away from 239. I'm hoping that by tomorrow I will have lost that other .2 pounds to make it to 239. That will be SUPER exciting. I haven't seen the 230's in over 2 years!!

I have my surgery follow up this afternoon with Dr. Yarbrough, where he tells me it's ok to eat solid foods again. Though, I'm going to try to stick to the shakes till I make 235 lbs. That way I'm solidly in the 230's before I risk putting real food in my mouth every day.

I'm going to try baked chicken tomorrow. I know I've already done chicken, but the chicken I did was processed, deep fried and sauced. So although it went down ok, that doesn't mean that normal, baked and DRY will go down as well. I have a lemon pepper marinade that I'm going to cook it in. Hopefully that will help.

So, I'm not under 240 yet. That's ok, I still lost some weight. At least I'm not stalled out.


Current weight: 240 lbs

Holding Steady

How did I do on my goals yesterday?

I got in 1 set of "Squat/Shoulders/Sky"

I didn't get any French in. Just plain forgot.

I made enough shakes for today and tomorrow, and maybe a little leftover for Saturday.

I got in a 20 minute walk with my daughter. It was actually 25-30.

Still at 240, so I haven't gotten to 239 yet. No progress at all on that front.


So my legs are sore from the "Squat/Shoulders/Sky" yesterday, but I did manage to get one in already this morning. I just need one more to make my goals today. I had my shake this morning, like a good girl. Just 8 oz., as directed.

On my weight: Yesterday when I got home, I jumped on the Wii to see if I was down any, but unfortunately I was actually up 2 lbs. I guess that's what I get for weighing twice in a day. Naughty naughty. So I weighed in again this morning. That 2 lbs was gone, and I was back to the even 240 that I was before. That was a relief. I was so worried that that extra 2 would stick.

I'm going to work really hard to make sure my goals are met today. Also, I forgot my lunch. (half a can of chicken ranchero chili that I prepared in a dish to bring to work.) So I'm totally pissed at myself for that. I don't know if I want to go home and eat that or just get something here. Going home would be far cheaper, even with gas prices... I'll probably do that.



Current weight: 240 lbs.

No Loss Today

Well, I jumped on the Wii this morning, hoping that I didn't gain because I ate so much yesterday. Good news: No gain! Bad news: No loss.

I didn't have time yesterday morning to make my requisite shake, so I ate two over-medium eggs at the cafe downstairs instead. Then for lunch I had a 7-layer burrito with chicken (No tortilla and easy on the rice). As a snack I had half a banana and a strawberry. For dinner I had 6 tater tots and a scoop of turkey sloppy joe with about 1/4 oz of cheese sprinkled on. No bun. I feel like I ate a lot. I know I didn't really... compared to what I ate before surgery, this was nothing. Compared to the week post-op though, this was huge. I'm pretty sure that's why there was no loss. (It could also be the lack of #2 for three days, if you know what I mean.)

I guess I can't expect to lose every day, and at some point it's going to level out because I don't get filled for 5 more weeks, but still! I was on a pretty big high from having lost that 14 pounds. Maybe tomorrow I'll drop that pound to 239. That would be great!

I'm being pretty good today. I had a Banana Muscle Milk for breakfast - 25 grams of protein, baby! I have 4 strawberries in a bag for snacking in case I get peckish. And I will have soup for lunch. Hopefully I won't be starving when I get home this afternoon.

I'm keeping up with my water pretty well. I had at least 50 oz yesterday, and then a glass of tea. So far today I've had most of 20 oz, and will refill the bottle in a little bit as soon as this is gone, so by the time I leave here (work) today I will be at 40 oz.

I'm setting some goals for myself for the remaining part of the week. Lets call them "Self Improvement Goals". Here they are:

1. Two 5 minutes sets of "Squat/Shoulders/Sky" per day.


2. Review French words on Babbel.com 20 mins per day.


3. Make my shakes at night, for use the next day.


4. Walk for 20 minutes per day.


5. Hit the 239 lbs. (or below) mark on the scale!

Ok, well, that's all for now. Let's see how the rest of this week goes, if all goes well I'll put up new goals for next week.

Current weight: 240 lbs

10 Pounds down!

So after surgery, I wasn't able to eat much. That's to be expected, from all the swelling and stuff. I got home and relaxed a bunch, and the first couple days I weighed myself, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I actually gained some weight. I was really expecting this because of all the "last meals" that I ate last week. I went a little crazy with all the foods I figured would be hard to eat after the band. I was also eating ice cream and other stuff that I shouldn't eat.

My last weigh in before banding was at 247 lbs, at the center to verify that I was on task. That was Tuesday of last week. This last Tuesday, the day I came home from the hospital, I weighed in at 256 lbs. The next day I'd gained another half pound or so. Like I said, I expected all this, because of what I ate, and all the swelling that I had from surgery. Oh, also because I hadn't pooped since Monday (TMI I know, but I want to make sure that I say everything here.)

Yesterday, Thursday, when I weighed myself I was down by a little over 6 lbs!! That was the entire amount that I'd gained from my little discretions. I thought at that point that I was back on track. That was just some loss from swelling and whatnot. So today when I weighed in I figured, 2 maybe 3 pounds... But I got a nice surprise when I saw over 5 pounds lost!! OMG. This is going faster than I thought. Being on stage 2, mushies, is really working out for me. So from my first day out of surgery weight, I've lost a total of about 11 lbs. (I wrote 10 in the title because I like even numbers... lol)



Current weight: 245lbs.

Sick

I think I'm going to be sick. I ate waaaaay too much for lunch today. This morning, I had a pack of donut gems for breakfast, and decided that I would be really good and only do slim fast for lunch. It was really a great idea in the making... BUT...

So I drank my Slimfast on the way to the anesthesiologist today, for the second part of my pre-op, and they happen to be literally 10 feet from one of the cafés in the hospital. This café had all these cool things, like vegan donuts, and odd sandwiches with gouda cheese on them. MmmMmmMmm Gouda! I love gouda! So naturally I bought one...of each: sandwich, donut, and chai tea with soy! About $7 bucks worth of food. I didn't eat the sammy right away, but I went to town on the donut, and chai, while driving the few blocks over to my work.

When I got back to work, I had the appointment during my lunch hour, I discovered that there was free lunch here from Baja Fresh. I was going to skip it, but it was free and it smelled really good. I proceeded to grab a plate and add a tortilla, some chips, some beans, some chicken and some salad, and guacamole to that plate. From there I went back to my desk and shoveled it into my face. Boy, was it tasty. Oh, almost forgot to mention, I got one of those monster cookies too. As I was walking by one of the supervisor's desks he called me and said they had cookies for giveaway too. And yes... I ate that too. Ugh.

Once I completed that meal, I looked longingly over at the paper bag that held that wonderful sammy with the yummy cheese on it. After a bit of rationalization it seemed like such a waste to just let it sit there where it might be forgotten, or get yucky before I could eat it, thereby going to waste. I opened it up, and slopped on the mustard and mayo that came with it and ate it. I ate 98% of it, that is. When I was at about 78% I thought how it wasn't that great of a sandwich, and why was I still eating it? For some reason, though, I kept on till it was almost gone. Finally I stopped and threw the last two bites away.

Sitting here now, I'm just stuffed. So stuffed I could almost puke. I feel just gross. I wish I hadn't eaten that sandwich, or the donut and definitely not the freakin' cookie.

I'm such a spaz.


Current weight: 250lbs (+)
Time to surgery: 4 days!

Insurance

OMFG!!

So yesterday I was going to go in and get myself officially weighed in. I figured that I must have hit my goal weight, so it was a good time to do that. Wanting to make sure I had my goal weight before I went in, I called yesterday morning, about 10:30, to find out, and was on hold for 5 minutes. So I called back again, and was on hold still. I was on my morning walk, so I didn't really want to listen to hold music, I wanted to listen to regular music, and my iPhone is my iPod, so even though I could listen to both at the same time it would have sounded funny.

I tried back about 10 minutes later, and still was on hold. This time I decided to stay on hold, and did end up listening to both my iPod music and the hold music at the same time. Ick. It was better than hold music alone though.

I waited on hold for over 20 minutes. Then my lunch break was over so I had to hang up.

I tried back again later, about 1:00pm, on my second break, and this time I got their answering service. They were at lunch. OMG. The answering service said that they would be back by about 1:30, but by that time my break would be over.

After work I tried again. I called and this time I actually got through! Yay me. I talked to Cindy, the secretary, and told her that I wanted to do an "official" weigh in so that I could be in the running to get an upcoming surgery. Cindy said they were busy today, and that if I came in tomorrow, I could do that, and talk to Rosemary (the official person to talk to). I said ok, and hung up.

I went home, disappointed, but figuring, it's only one more day. The problem is that I'm on Slim-fast right now... the diet from hell... and that's how I've lost the last few pounds to get me into this range. Well, if at any point I go back to regular food, even with small portions, I'll probably gain back a pound or two which would put me over my goal weight. Which means that waiting one more day means I have to continue this diet from hell. I am so hungry during the day that I'm swooning by the time I get off work, and STILL can't eat. I can't eat till dinner.

Anyway, I get home and tell my boyfriend about all this, and he's visibly annoyed at them for doing this to me. He's like, "it's not that hard to enter someones name in a chart!" He wants to go get a new video game (Conduit, for the Wii) so we're going out anyway. He says we should drop by at their office, and I should pretend that I didn't fully understand what she said earlier and say:
"I know you guys were busy earlier, so I thought I'd come by now and see if you were less busy."

He figured that they'd be less able to send me away if I was standing right there in their face in person.

So, we went in, about 4:00pm. We got there and there was seemingly no one there. The front desk was empty. I was sure they didn't close till 5, and I was there before then, so there should be someone there. We sat down, and waited. I thought, well, if someone was actually here, maybe they went to the back for a minute.

After about 5 minutes, Cindy comes in. Yay! I give her the line, and she says, "I'll take you back and we'll see what we can do." We came around the door to the back, and she says, "We were just talking about you!"

At this point, I'm dying of curiosity. Why were they talking about me?? Is it good or bad? Do I owe them thousands of dollars? Do they know for sure I'll have to wait to get my surgery? Or... are they ready to schedule me?? OMG.

I walked back towards the scale, and on my way Cindy tells Rosemary that I'm here. Rosemary looks up and says, "Angela? Angela ******* ?" I looked up and said yes, it was me. She told me to come sit down at her desk so we could chat.

Upon sitting down she tells me that they were indeed just talking about me. My insurance approval came through FIVE MINUTES AGO!!

Knock me down with a feather.

Well, she then asks me, "Can you..." and I interrupt with a "YES!" because I know she's going to set me a date! OMG OMG OMG OMG.

She asks, "Can you come in for a pre-op consultation tomorrow afternoon?"

And of course I answer, "YES!!"

Then she said she was penciling me in for surgery on Monday, June 29th... MONDAY!!




...
...
...

Did I mention, MONDAY!?!?!?!


Current weight: 249lbs
Time to WLS approval: Done.

Hungry

I'm dreaming of a brownie. I just ate a chicken salad, and then a half hour later 2 pieces of chicken stuffed manicotti. Now I'm dying for that brownie.

I'm supposed to be losing weight. I still have over 7 lbs. to lose. I'm not sure I'm going to make it. My next appointment is next week, and I think that's my deadline. The appointment is on Tuesday.

I'm thinking about buying some slim fast or boost and doing liquids for 1-2 days. I think that would work off about 5lbs. If I get super close to what I'm supposed to lose, I think they'll forgive me my other two pounds. Don't you think?

On other fronts, I had a stack of medical bills from my cancer last year, that I'm not able to pay. They are taking me to court for the amount I owe, and may be garnishing my wages. If they do that, I won't be able to afford my surgery.

I really hope that I can put them off long enough to get the surgery done. After that, I won't stress. I'm declaring bankruptcy anyway, but if I can't get my surgery this year, I can't get my reconstruction and I'm giving up on the whole thing.

I'm bordering on depressed because of all this. I really don't think I have it in me to fight this fight.

Wish me luck.

Current weight: 257lbs
Time to WLS approval: 1 mo. 3 weeks.

2nd Time Around

So Xmas is over, and the year is too (or will be soon). Which means that my rescheduled banding is coming up. January 22nd is my consult. I waited too long to schedule it and that was the soonest they had available. (I know, right???)

I'm looking forward to it, but I'm worried that something will happen and for the 3rd year in a row I won't be able to get banded. I'm so sick of waiting to be thin. Holding on to the extra pounds so that I don't get rejected by my insurance. I wish sometimes that I'd just started exercising way back in the beginning, then maybe I'd be skinny by now. Then I realize that, no, I would not be. I would just be yo-yo dieting, because, if I could do it by myself I would have done it years ago.

This time I hafta do it though. Even if I do get rejected or put off. I won't be able to get my new bewbs till I lose at least 75 lbs.

So, wish me luck that I'll get banded. TTYL.

Current weight: 252'ish
Time to WLS approval: 2-3 months?

It's back on!

Ok, it has started again. I've done my cancer treatments, my last radiation was yesterday, in fact. So I'm back on the road to recovery and back on the road to weight-loss surgery!! Yay me!

I turned in my paperwork today, and am now waiting for a call back to schedule my first appointment. I've decided that the 6 month Dr. monitored weigh-loss plan is just dumb. My insurance has another option, it's a combo thing of counseling, weight-loss diets and visits to the surgeon. I'm hoping that I have sleep apnea (what a thing to hope for? eh?) so that the insurance thing is easier, but I don't really see a problem with it. I'm going to drink about a gallon of water/liquids on the day of my appointment to make up for my lack of boobs, because they weighed 9 pounds!!


Did I mention that I had a double mastectomy?


So yeah, since my weight is so close to the <40 BMI I need to make sure that even if they weigh me nekked, I'll still be over 40 BMI with some to lose.


So that's the update for now. I'll probably right again when I have my appointment. Keep an eye out for it! :)



Current weight: 244'ish
Time to WLS approval: 3 months



And now a word from our sponsors:

Now I'm here, How do I get down?

Ok, so I made it to my gain goal of 250. I wanted to be safe and have a cushion against the next few months of dieting. I hate being here. This is my highest weight ever. It was where I got to that made me decide to get the WLS. It was before I started eating like a WLS'er and before I lost 10 pounds. I had gotten down to 239 at one point before I tried regaining the weight. The weight was hard to gain back.

It took me several weeks to get to 246'ish, and then several more to get to 250. Now I'm tipping the scales in the evening to 251... and I'm trying to get back to dieting and I'm failing miserably. I had trained myself not to eat, then trained myself to eat more, and now I'm trying to get back into loosing again, although slower this time.

I feel like I'm superman, trying to stop a speeding train. You know how in the cartoons it takes him several blocks before the train actually stops? And his feet drag on the ground pulling up the all the train ties? Well that's me. I'm fighting this big train that just wants to keep moving on inertia.

I will be so happy to see 249 239 again. lol.


Current weight: 250
Time to WLS approval: 4 months, 9 days.

Awesome Quote~

I just loved this quote from this site:
http://www.weightlossdaily.org/

(This is the specific article)

The whole article is awesome, but this quote kinda sums up the lapband and, really, any WLS. So check it out!!

"Surgery is not the magic pill we have all been waiting for. You will not wake up thin. You must be willing to meet the band half way. You will lose weight at a different pace than your friends. You must change your behavior for this to work. It is a tool-and nothing more. An electric mixer is easier than mixing by hand but you still have to follow the recipe for the cake to taste good."

Food

The things we learn about food when we're forced to eat too much:

• Food is gross!
• Don't eat too much.
• Food is gross!
• I don't like that.
• Food is gross!

Okay, okay. Enough on my food is gross thing. That's just it though. I've been on this thing trying to gain a little weight now so I'm not under my minimum weight to have my WLS. I thought it would be easy, just go back to eating like I was before I started dieting, and Viola! There's that ten pounds you lost.

What I didn't count on was that my stomach was smaller from not eating so much, so when I tried to eat more..... *blech* Food is gross. For the past few days I have been consuming an average of 3700 calories per day. I'm eating the worst for you stuff I could find and I hate it.

I always used to laugh at my boyfriend. There was a time when he was only 140 lbs, and he's 6'1". He was always upset because he was "too skinny" which makes sense for a guy and especially one that tall. He was always trying to gain weight, but pretty much no matter what he did it didn't happen. Eventually, and after much laziness and stomach expanding, he was able to gain weight and looked pretty normal, no longer skinny. Now, he's gotten used to being lazy and eating alot and he weighs more than he wants... go figure! LOL So he's a little on the chunky side.

So, my point on that was, that I used to laugh at him, when he tried to gain weight. That whole, "If only I had that problem!" I wanted to be too skinny too, and now, although I am obviously not too skinny for most things (I'm actually morbidly obese) I am nearly too skinny to get the surgery I need to no longer be morbidly obese. So now, I had 10 days... yes, only 10 days, to gain 10 pounds. Yikes. Well, not 10 whole pounds, more like 8, I had already gained 2 in the weeks leading up to this. I succeeded in gaining 5. I didn't gain 10. I gained 5. Arg. And today is the day I'm supposed to reduce my calories by 200. Luckily I was fibbing on my tally, and where my Diet Coke should be, I put in Coke. So I have a fictitious extra 300 or so calories I can take away without actually doing it.

I'm truly afraid, that when I start cutting the calories back, my body will do what it wants to do and lose weight. I know, again, that sounds horrible. After all, my whole goal is to lose weight, and you know what? I could. I could lose some weight without the surgery. BUT. I could probably only lose about 30 pounds. Where will that get me? I'll be too skinny to get the surgery, I'll be stuck at that weight -- which is still too heavy, and I will eventually gain it back, because that's how life is. I won't have anything stopping me from eating too much, I'll become complacent and my stomach will stretch from eating just a little too much - often - and food will no longer be gross. I'll gain it back and then more, and my skin will stretch more and my stretch marks will get worse. I'll be 300 pounds and really need the surgery but then I'll not have a job because I lost it after a bout of depression caused me to stay home too much and I won't have insurance and I'll just get even bigger!!!!! Or, my sleep apnea will kill me while I sleep.

Ok, so a little melodramatic, but that's just me. These are my fears and I don't want to live like this anymore.

Eating and Tracking

So, as you know I'm on the doctor monitored weight-loss plan. I'm 7 days into my 10 day tracking. Here's the google calender that you can see what I ate on:



(Note: I think you need a google account to see it...?)

You can see if you view it that I'm doing a very good job eating like a fat girl. I even gained back about 3 of the pounds I lost recently. It's upsetting to see that on the scale, but ultimately my goal is to get the surgery so I can see ALOT fall off. So if that means sacrificing my dignity for a few months, so be it. I've been fat for 10 years. A few more months isn't going to cause me any more distress. Is it?

I did pad it a little so I have some wiggle room to cut calories without losing too much weight. Most of the "Coke" you see on there is actually Diet Coke. No calories. I put it as regular coke so I can cut an easy 200 calories out of my diet, thereby extending the amount of time it takes to lose the weight.

I'm figuring at the rate that he has me cutting calories I'll lose about 16 pounds. Not good. I need to figure out how to cut that in half or less. Preferably like a pound a month average.