Sick

I think I'm going to be sick. I ate waaaaay too much for lunch today. This morning, I had a pack of donut gems for breakfast, and decided that I would be really good and only do slim fast for lunch. It was really a great idea in the making... BUT...

So I drank my Slimfast on the way to the anesthesiologist today, for the second part of my pre-op, and they happen to be literally 10 feet from one of the cafés in the hospital. This café had all these cool things, like vegan donuts, and odd sandwiches with gouda cheese on them. MmmMmmMmm Gouda! I love gouda! So naturally I bought one...of each: sandwich, donut, and chai tea with soy! About $7 bucks worth of food. I didn't eat the sammy right away, but I went to town on the donut, and chai, while driving the few blocks over to my work.

When I got back to work, I had the appointment during my lunch hour, I discovered that there was free lunch here from Baja Fresh. I was going to skip it, but it was free and it smelled really good. I proceeded to grab a plate and add a tortilla, some chips, some beans, some chicken and some salad, and guacamole to that plate. From there I went back to my desk and shoveled it into my face. Boy, was it tasty. Oh, almost forgot to mention, I got one of those monster cookies too. As I was walking by one of the supervisor's desks he called me and said they had cookies for giveaway too. And yes... I ate that too. Ugh.

Once I completed that meal, I looked longingly over at the paper bag that held that wonderful sammy with the yummy cheese on it. After a bit of rationalization it seemed like such a waste to just let it sit there where it might be forgotten, or get yucky before I could eat it, thereby going to waste. I opened it up, and slopped on the mustard and mayo that came with it and ate it. I ate 98% of it, that is. When I was at about 78% I thought how it wasn't that great of a sandwich, and why was I still eating it? For some reason, though, I kept on till it was almost gone. Finally I stopped and threw the last two bites away.

Sitting here now, I'm just stuffed. So stuffed I could almost puke. I feel just gross. I wish I hadn't eaten that sandwich, or the donut and definitely not the freakin' cookie.

I'm such a spaz.


Current weight: 250lbs (+)
Time to surgery: 4 days!

Hungry

I'm dreaming of a brownie. I just ate a chicken salad, and then a half hour later 2 pieces of chicken stuffed manicotti. Now I'm dying for that brownie.

I'm supposed to be losing weight. I still have over 7 lbs. to lose. I'm not sure I'm going to make it. My next appointment is next week, and I think that's my deadline. The appointment is on Tuesday.

I'm thinking about buying some slim fast or boost and doing liquids for 1-2 days. I think that would work off about 5lbs. If I get super close to what I'm supposed to lose, I think they'll forgive me my other two pounds. Don't you think?

On other fronts, I had a stack of medical bills from my cancer last year, that I'm not able to pay. They are taking me to court for the amount I owe, and may be garnishing my wages. If they do that, I won't be able to afford my surgery.

I really hope that I can put them off long enough to get the surgery done. After that, I won't stress. I'm declaring bankruptcy anyway, but if I can't get my surgery this year, I can't get my reconstruction and I'm giving up on the whole thing.

I'm bordering on depressed because of all this. I really don't think I have it in me to fight this fight.

Wish me luck.

Current weight: 257lbs
Time to WLS approval: 1 mo. 3 weeks.

Pending Changes

Only a few more days to my next appointment. I've been reading more blogs from fellow bandsters. I'll put the links up soon. I'll try to get them up before my actual banding, but there are alot of them and I've been short on time recently.

I've decided I'm going to modify this page a little, I'm going to put a link to the first page of this blog, that way its easy to start from the beginning. I've found that is a problem when I go to others' blogs, they don't always make it easy to start from the beginning. Really that's where I want to start though. I'll definitely have to make that a priority on mine. I also want to put up a column just for pictures, maybe I'll even start a new flickr page and make it auto update so I only have to put the photos in one place.

So I got my sleep study set up, it's on the 14th. The same date as my next bariatric center appointment. They told me that this isn't the actual sleeping appointment, just an assessment appointment. Also, I found out that I need to go see a counselor. I need to remember to make that appointment today so I can get it done. I don't want to be lacking when in comes to approval time.

Well, that's all for today.

Current weight: 256 lbs.
Time to WLS approval: 1 month 3 weeks

Nutritionist-Part 2

Wow. I thought I had already posted on my trip to the nutritionist, but apparently I forgot.

I went to see the nutritionist as part of my required "making sure she'll comply" appointments. I also saw the psychologist (or maybe psychiatrist??) to talk about my history and the reasons why I'm overweight. I think I did pretty good at that one.

BUT

Then they weighed me in. I experienced complete shock. I thought I'd been doing well at loosing weight. After all, I'd set up my first appointment expressly to give myself some easy to lose weight. So on this appointment, I should have lost some good weight. Nope. Not me. I GAINED weight. Gained. Yep, that's right you heard it. I gained 5 lbs.

5 pounds is not that big a deal normally, but I only have another month to lose the first 10 they asked me to lose. So now, I have a month to lose a total of 15 pounds. FIFTEEN.

Hrrumpf.

Current weight: 262 (I think... I'll check my paperwork and fix this later)
Time to WLS approval: 2.5 months

Dr. Yarbrough

So I had my first visit with Dr. Yarbrough today. He is so nice! It was a longer appointment than I was expecting.

There were three people with concurring appointments. We had to go through a mini-class on what to expect from the surgery and more detailed info on how it works. After that, I had to talk to a finance person who basically told me that I had to have all my surgery money up front.

This wouldn't be a big deal except that my out of pocket through my insurance is like over $4500 bucks. Do you have that kind of money laying around??? I sure don't. I think I may be able to come up with most of it, and I asked my sister to see if she'd fit the extra $2500 that I can't come up with, in exchange for a repayment of $200/mo. and an extra payment at the end.

Hopefully that works out. She said yes, but she tends to be a bit flighty sometimes.

So anyway, my next appointment with them is in March. And the earliest I'll get my surgery, if everything works out, will be in May sometime. So maybe if I'm really lucky it'll be end of May.

I need to lose 75 lbs before I can get my reconstruction on my chest. So, if I get it in May I'll be hard pressed to lose that much before the end of the year.


We had to go through another
Current weight: 258 lbs
Current BMI: >44
Time to WLS approval: 4 months :(

2nd Time Around

So Xmas is over, and the year is too (or will be soon). Which means that my rescheduled banding is coming up. January 22nd is my consult. I waited too long to schedule it and that was the soonest they had available. (I know, right???)

I'm looking forward to it, but I'm worried that something will happen and for the 3rd year in a row I won't be able to get banded. I'm so sick of waiting to be thin. Holding on to the extra pounds so that I don't get rejected by my insurance. I wish sometimes that I'd just started exercising way back in the beginning, then maybe I'd be skinny by now. Then I realize that, no, I would not be. I would just be yo-yo dieting, because, if I could do it by myself I would have done it years ago.

This time I hafta do it though. Even if I do get rejected or put off. I won't be able to get my new bewbs till I lose at least 75 lbs.

So, wish me luck that I'll get banded. TTYL.

Current weight: 252'ish
Time to WLS approval: 2-3 months?

It's back on!

Ok, it has started again. I've done my cancer treatments, my last radiation was yesterday, in fact. So I'm back on the road to recovery and back on the road to weight-loss surgery!! Yay me!

I turned in my paperwork today, and am now waiting for a call back to schedule my first appointment. I've decided that the 6 month Dr. monitored weigh-loss plan is just dumb. My insurance has another option, it's a combo thing of counseling, weight-loss diets and visits to the surgeon. I'm hoping that I have sleep apnea (what a thing to hope for? eh?) so that the insurance thing is easier, but I don't really see a problem with it. I'm going to drink about a gallon of water/liquids on the day of my appointment to make up for my lack of boobs, because they weighed 9 pounds!!


Did I mention that I had a double mastectomy?


So yeah, since my weight is so close to the <40 BMI I need to make sure that even if they weigh me nekked, I'll still be over 40 BMI with some to lose.


So that's the update for now. I'll probably right again when I have my appointment. Keep an eye out for it! :)



Current weight: 244'ish
Time to WLS approval: 3 months



And now a word from our sponsors:

Now I'm here, How do I get down?

Ok, so I made it to my gain goal of 250. I wanted to be safe and have a cushion against the next few months of dieting. I hate being here. This is my highest weight ever. It was where I got to that made me decide to get the WLS. It was before I started eating like a WLS'er and before I lost 10 pounds. I had gotten down to 239 at one point before I tried regaining the weight. The weight was hard to gain back.

It took me several weeks to get to 246'ish, and then several more to get to 250. Now I'm tipping the scales in the evening to 251... and I'm trying to get back to dieting and I'm failing miserably. I had trained myself not to eat, then trained myself to eat more, and now I'm trying to get back into loosing again, although slower this time.

I feel like I'm superman, trying to stop a speeding train. You know how in the cartoons it takes him several blocks before the train actually stops? And his feet drag on the ground pulling up the all the train ties? Well that's me. I'm fighting this big train that just wants to keep moving on inertia.

I will be so happy to see 249 239 again. lol.


Current weight: 250
Time to WLS approval: 4 months, 9 days.

I want off the rollercoaster.

Yesterday's weight: 250
Ok, this is where I need to be to start my diet. To make sure that I won't lose too much thereby blocking my surgery. It sure don't feel very good though!

I hate weighing this much. My ankles hurt, my feet hurt, and my knees feel like they'll split open whenever I bend them. Luckily I'll be able to lose a little soon. I'll lose about 10-12 pounds over the next 5.5 months. So that's about 2 pounds a month if I want to stay safely over the BMI limit.

Yay me!!

Every day that goes by I get more excited. More hopeful. I read blogs of people who have already had the surgery, there seems to be a proliferation of people who got banded or RNY in the year 2005. So luckily for me, I am able to read the entire story. From the struggles to the easy-peasy. I hope I fall into the easy-peasy category. I don't want to be obsessed with food every day of my life. I'd like to be the ".. it's ok. I like food, I eat food, I just eat less food" people.

Food

The things we learn about food when we're forced to eat too much:

• Food is gross!
• Don't eat too much.
• Food is gross!
• I don't like that.
• Food is gross!

Okay, okay. Enough on my food is gross thing. That's just it though. I've been on this thing trying to gain a little weight now so I'm not under my minimum weight to have my WLS. I thought it would be easy, just go back to eating like I was before I started dieting, and Viola! There's that ten pounds you lost.

What I didn't count on was that my stomach was smaller from not eating so much, so when I tried to eat more..... *blech* Food is gross. For the past few days I have been consuming an average of 3700 calories per day. I'm eating the worst for you stuff I could find and I hate it.

I always used to laugh at my boyfriend. There was a time when he was only 140 lbs, and he's 6'1". He was always upset because he was "too skinny" which makes sense for a guy and especially one that tall. He was always trying to gain weight, but pretty much no matter what he did it didn't happen. Eventually, and after much laziness and stomach expanding, he was able to gain weight and looked pretty normal, no longer skinny. Now, he's gotten used to being lazy and eating alot and he weighs more than he wants... go figure! LOL So he's a little on the chunky side.

So, my point on that was, that I used to laugh at him, when he tried to gain weight. That whole, "If only I had that problem!" I wanted to be too skinny too, and now, although I am obviously not too skinny for most things (I'm actually morbidly obese) I am nearly too skinny to get the surgery I need to no longer be morbidly obese. So now, I had 10 days... yes, only 10 days, to gain 10 pounds. Yikes. Well, not 10 whole pounds, more like 8, I had already gained 2 in the weeks leading up to this. I succeeded in gaining 5. I didn't gain 10. I gained 5. Arg. And today is the day I'm supposed to reduce my calories by 200. Luckily I was fibbing on my tally, and where my Diet Coke should be, I put in Coke. So I have a fictitious extra 300 or so calories I can take away without actually doing it.

I'm truly afraid, that when I start cutting the calories back, my body will do what it wants to do and lose weight. I know, again, that sounds horrible. After all, my whole goal is to lose weight, and you know what? I could. I could lose some weight without the surgery. BUT. I could probably only lose about 30 pounds. Where will that get me? I'll be too skinny to get the surgery, I'll be stuck at that weight -- which is still too heavy, and I will eventually gain it back, because that's how life is. I won't have anything stopping me from eating too much, I'll become complacent and my stomach will stretch from eating just a little too much - often - and food will no longer be gross. I'll gain it back and then more, and my skin will stretch more and my stretch marks will get worse. I'll be 300 pounds and really need the surgery but then I'll not have a job because I lost it after a bout of depression caused me to stay home too much and I won't have insurance and I'll just get even bigger!!!!! Or, my sleep apnea will kill me while I sleep.

Ok, so a little melodramatic, but that's just me. These are my fears and I don't want to live like this anymore.

Dr. Monitored Diet

For my insurance I need to have a 6 months, doctor supervised diet plan.
I went to my PCP yesterday, because he's fastest. He gave me this:

For 10 days, keep track of what you eat and average the calories.
At the end of 10 days, subtract 200 calories from your average and stick to that.
Continue for 2 weeks at that reduced calorie level, and continue to lower by 200 calories every 2 weeks after (till my 6 months is up).

Oh, and exercise.

Sounds like a good plan, I think.
I still have to be at >40 bmi at the end to qualify for surgery, but since this diet plan is so slow, I think that will happen ok.

Doomed.

Ok, so I'm starting to think fate is against me.
I woke up this morning and checked my scale. I'm at 239 lbs. Only 8 pounds away from not being able to get the surgery. This wouldn't be bad, except that I've been eating like a pig to gain 10 lbs for the last week. So instead of gaining.... I lose a pound. Yeesh. If this keeps up I'll never make the 6 months without going below 231.

This should make me happy. All my life, well, mostly for the last 10 years of it, I've struggled to keep the weight off, wishing I could lose weight easier. So now, now I am. I'm losing weight without even trying. While trying to GAIN weight, and what am I? I'm bummed. I'm disappointed because I know as soon as I give up on the surgery, because I've hit the 231 mark, I'll start gaining weight again and I'll have to start all over again on the lap band thing. It wouldn't be that bad except that I've got to do the 6 months diet plan and at the end I still have to be over 231!!!

Anyway, I know this is a silly thing to complain about so... yay. I lost a pound without even trying.... yay.

Keeping it on. Part Duex

Ok, I just want to put this down here because I might forget. I just did the BMI calculations, and as long as I stay over 231 lbs. for the next 6 months I'll be ok for surgery. I called my insurance company and they said that they use the weight after the 6 months doctor supervised diet. I'm at 243 lbs. right now, so I can't lose more than 12 lbs. in 6 months. That shouldn't be too hard, right?

I suspected that this would be the case, so I am on a binge right now to gain another 5 lbs so that I won't lose too much during that 6 months. Ugh. I've been researching this lap-band thing for months, and have been actively practicing my post-op eating habits in anticipation of the surgery so my stomach has shrunk. This over-eating is making me sick, literally. I feel like puking most of the time and my digestive system is going crazy. How did I eat all this food before? I know I did. I look at what I'm eating now and it's less than what I ate before I started all this, but it feels like so much. My mind is not reacting well either. The last thing I want to do is gain weight, but if it will help me get approved for my lapband then I'm all for it.

On other news, speaking of that 6 mos diet. I talk to my doc Monday about starting that. So hopefully, if all goes well, 6 mos from Monday will be my surgery date. This means I'm looking at April 1st. LOL April fools day. That ought to be interesting.

Keeping it on.

Well, I have an appointment in October with the surgeon. I'm concerned and excited at the same time. They told me that I'd need to bring $200 for the appointment. My concern is that they should be billing my insurance directly. The hospital that I'm going through is part of the insurance network, so I should only have to pay the co-pay. I won't be able to do this if that's not covered.

My other concern is that after dieting a few weeks ago, I got dangerously close to the line where I no longer qualify for surgery. And even though I can easily loose 10-20 lbs, I've not been able to lose more than that, nor have I been able to keep that amount off. So I don't want to get too low to have the surgery, then later regret it because I can't keep loosing. So, I'm trying really hard to keep at a certain weight. I want to maintain about 242 lbs. I don't want to gain, and don't want to lose. At least not till I've been fully approved and they tell me to start loosing.

I need the surgery. Period.

I'm looking forward to the liquid diet. It'll be refreshing to not eat for a long time. I know, that sounds totally anorexic doesn't it? Well, I feel better when I don't eat so much. I know that I don't need to eat so much, and frankly, if left alone, now that I know how little I really need to live; I'll probably become anorexic!