Facing the music

I did it.  I took the plunge and weighed myself yesterday.  I've been avoiding it because of my 4 or more months of unrestricted eating and bad exercise habits.   It wasn't as bad as I thought!! I've only gained 10 pounds! I didn't think it would be too bad, I am still a 14/16 after all.  My size 14 clothes still fit, but they are getting tight.  I really need to get back on the exercise bandwagon.  I think that would fix my issues all together.  Also, I have my next fill coming up next week, the day before my birthday, so hopefully I'll kick myself in the ass and finish out my weight loss.

I was kind of afraid that I would end up doing this.  Getting to a reasonable weight, and then stopping and getting comfortable.  I need new incentive.  It was easy exercising everyday when I got a pound a day or even a few pounds a week loss as feedback.  Ever since my band was loosened, I've felt very anti-exercise, and completely unmotivated.  I know it's just mental, but it's so hard to get past it.  I still exercise in other ways, try to get myself off the couch alot, do more active things with my kids and all that.  But I haven't really been doing a steady 1/2 hour or more per day that I know I should be.

I do walk at lunch most days.  That's about 20-30 minutes, but it's more of a stroll than exercise.  I need something more than that, really.  I really need to get back to running every other day.  Hrrumpf.


Current weight: 196 lbs.

Back to work tomorrow

I've gained several pounds since last monday. It doesn't help that I'm home all day and bored. I went to the grocery store yesterday at got snacks. Candy and cookies and chips. Yeah, so very nutritious. blech. I'm a little grouchy today because my sleep pattern is all messed up from being out of work for over a week, and I had to get up earlier today so it'll be easier to get up early tomorrow.

Anyway, just checking in. Don't feel like a big post right now. Maybe tomorrow.

Current weight: 217

Good News bad news Good News

Good news: I went down a pound point two yesterday.

Bad news: I'm back up a pound point three today.

Good news: I called to make my appointment for my fill, at the end of this month, they didn't have any available for Dr. Yarbrough except for TODAY!

I'm like... no freakin' way! I can do that?? YES! So I'm leaving work early, and racing home to get my numbing cream stuff, and then racing back to get to my appointment!

Yay Me!! I should be back down to 237 (or smaller) by freakin' Friday!!

Current weight: 238lbs.

10 Pounds down!

So after surgery, I wasn't able to eat much. That's to be expected, from all the swelling and stuff. I got home and relaxed a bunch, and the first couple days I weighed myself, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I actually gained some weight. I was really expecting this because of all the "last meals" that I ate last week. I went a little crazy with all the foods I figured would be hard to eat after the band. I was also eating ice cream and other stuff that I shouldn't eat.

My last weigh in before banding was at 247 lbs, at the center to verify that I was on task. That was Tuesday of last week. This last Tuesday, the day I came home from the hospital, I weighed in at 256 lbs. The next day I'd gained another half pound or so. Like I said, I expected all this, because of what I ate, and all the swelling that I had from surgery. Oh, also because I hadn't pooped since Monday (TMI I know, but I want to make sure that I say everything here.)

Yesterday, Thursday, when I weighed myself I was down by a little over 6 lbs!! That was the entire amount that I'd gained from my little discretions. I thought at that point that I was back on track. That was just some loss from swelling and whatnot. So today when I weighed in I figured, 2 maybe 3 pounds... But I got a nice surprise when I saw over 5 pounds lost!! OMG. This is going faster than I thought. Being on stage 2, mushies, is really working out for me. So from my first day out of surgery weight, I've lost a total of about 11 lbs. (I wrote 10 in the title because I like even numbers... lol)



Current weight: 245lbs.

Sick

I think I'm going to be sick. I ate waaaaay too much for lunch today. This morning, I had a pack of donut gems for breakfast, and decided that I would be really good and only do slim fast for lunch. It was really a great idea in the making... BUT...

So I drank my Slimfast on the way to the anesthesiologist today, for the second part of my pre-op, and they happen to be literally 10 feet from one of the cafés in the hospital. This café had all these cool things, like vegan donuts, and odd sandwiches with gouda cheese on them. MmmMmmMmm Gouda! I love gouda! So naturally I bought one...of each: sandwich, donut, and chai tea with soy! About $7 bucks worth of food. I didn't eat the sammy right away, but I went to town on the donut, and chai, while driving the few blocks over to my work.

When I got back to work, I had the appointment during my lunch hour, I discovered that there was free lunch here from Baja Fresh. I was going to skip it, but it was free and it smelled really good. I proceeded to grab a plate and add a tortilla, some chips, some beans, some chicken and some salad, and guacamole to that plate. From there I went back to my desk and shoveled it into my face. Boy, was it tasty. Oh, almost forgot to mention, I got one of those monster cookies too. As I was walking by one of the supervisor's desks he called me and said they had cookies for giveaway too. And yes... I ate that too. Ugh.

Once I completed that meal, I looked longingly over at the paper bag that held that wonderful sammy with the yummy cheese on it. After a bit of rationalization it seemed like such a waste to just let it sit there where it might be forgotten, or get yucky before I could eat it, thereby going to waste. I opened it up, and slopped on the mustard and mayo that came with it and ate it. I ate 98% of it, that is. When I was at about 78% I thought how it wasn't that great of a sandwich, and why was I still eating it? For some reason, though, I kept on till it was almost gone. Finally I stopped and threw the last two bites away.

Sitting here now, I'm just stuffed. So stuffed I could almost puke. I feel just gross. I wish I hadn't eaten that sandwich, or the donut and definitely not the freakin' cookie.

I'm such a spaz.


Current weight: 250lbs (+)
Time to surgery: 4 days!

Rolling along

Well, there's been alot since the last time I blogged here. I've been busy, life full of stuff to do and all that.

I was tasked to lose 10 lbs before I could get my surgery. I've been trying to do that for the last 3 months. It's surprising how hard something can be if you put your mind to it. heh. I purposely weighted myself down for my first weigh-in so I figured that my subsequent weigh-ins would be easier. But no. I ended up going up 5 lbs. Which I lost later, but then went back up 2 and down several more. To the point where my last weigh in I was back to the original weight that I'd been before. I've been weighing on my Wii too, to try to keep track. I was able to get down to 6-8lbs left by normal dieting.

Well, for the last 2 weeks'ish I've been on SlimFast to try to lose the last 6lbs of the 10 that I was supposed to lose. So far it's working. I've lost about 5 lbs according to the Wii. I'm afraid to go in and weigh in officially though, because it never says what I think it should.

I've now been through my 3 nutrition classes. I didn't learn much that I didn't already know. I got some good recommendations about protein shake stuff, one was pretty good. It kinda tastes like pudding, only thinner. I also found out about this liquid calcium supplement that was pretty good too.


I'm truly hoping that when I get home from work today, I'll be down another 2 lbs. I messed up a little Saturday, and went to Home Town Buffet. I didn't eat ANYTHING else that day though, except a piece of cheese. So I didn't think it would impact me much. It didn't really, I didn't gain anything from it, but I stalled my losses too.

Wish me luck that I've lost another pound or two. I'm STARVING right now. heh.

Current weight: 249 lbs.
Time to WLS approval: As soon as I lose the rest of my 10 lbs. I think.

Hungry

I'm dreaming of a brownie. I just ate a chicken salad, and then a half hour later 2 pieces of chicken stuffed manicotti. Now I'm dying for that brownie.

I'm supposed to be losing weight. I still have over 7 lbs. to lose. I'm not sure I'm going to make it. My next appointment is next week, and I think that's my deadline. The appointment is on Tuesday.

I'm thinking about buying some slim fast or boost and doing liquids for 1-2 days. I think that would work off about 5lbs. If I get super close to what I'm supposed to lose, I think they'll forgive me my other two pounds. Don't you think?

On other fronts, I had a stack of medical bills from my cancer last year, that I'm not able to pay. They are taking me to court for the amount I owe, and may be garnishing my wages. If they do that, I won't be able to afford my surgery.

I really hope that I can put them off long enough to get the surgery done. After that, I won't stress. I'm declaring bankruptcy anyway, but if I can't get my surgery this year, I can't get my reconstruction and I'm giving up on the whole thing.

I'm bordering on depressed because of all this. I really don't think I have it in me to fight this fight.

Wish me luck.

Current weight: 257lbs
Time to WLS approval: 1 mo. 3 weeks.

Now I'm here, How do I get down?

Ok, so I made it to my gain goal of 250. I wanted to be safe and have a cushion against the next few months of dieting. I hate being here. This is my highest weight ever. It was where I got to that made me decide to get the WLS. It was before I started eating like a WLS'er and before I lost 10 pounds. I had gotten down to 239 at one point before I tried regaining the weight. The weight was hard to gain back.

It took me several weeks to get to 246'ish, and then several more to get to 250. Now I'm tipping the scales in the evening to 251... and I'm trying to get back to dieting and I'm failing miserably. I had trained myself not to eat, then trained myself to eat more, and now I'm trying to get back into loosing again, although slower this time.

I feel like I'm superman, trying to stop a speeding train. You know how in the cartoons it takes him several blocks before the train actually stops? And his feet drag on the ground pulling up the all the train ties? Well that's me. I'm fighting this big train that just wants to keep moving on inertia.

I will be so happy to see 249 239 again. lol.


Current weight: 250
Time to WLS approval: 4 months, 9 days.

I want off the rollercoaster.

Yesterday's weight: 250
Ok, this is where I need to be to start my diet. To make sure that I won't lose too much thereby blocking my surgery. It sure don't feel very good though!

I hate weighing this much. My ankles hurt, my feet hurt, and my knees feel like they'll split open whenever I bend them. Luckily I'll be able to lose a little soon. I'll lose about 10-12 pounds over the next 5.5 months. So that's about 2 pounds a month if I want to stay safely over the BMI limit.

Yay me!!

Every day that goes by I get more excited. More hopeful. I read blogs of people who have already had the surgery, there seems to be a proliferation of people who got banded or RNY in the year 2005. So luckily for me, I am able to read the entire story. From the struggles to the easy-peasy. I hope I fall into the easy-peasy category. I don't want to be obsessed with food every day of my life. I'd like to be the ".. it's ok. I like food, I eat food, I just eat less food" people.

Food

The things we learn about food when we're forced to eat too much:

• Food is gross!
• Don't eat too much.
• Food is gross!
• I don't like that.
• Food is gross!

Okay, okay. Enough on my food is gross thing. That's just it though. I've been on this thing trying to gain a little weight now so I'm not under my minimum weight to have my WLS. I thought it would be easy, just go back to eating like I was before I started dieting, and Viola! There's that ten pounds you lost.

What I didn't count on was that my stomach was smaller from not eating so much, so when I tried to eat more..... *blech* Food is gross. For the past few days I have been consuming an average of 3700 calories per day. I'm eating the worst for you stuff I could find and I hate it.

I always used to laugh at my boyfriend. There was a time when he was only 140 lbs, and he's 6'1". He was always upset because he was "too skinny" which makes sense for a guy and especially one that tall. He was always trying to gain weight, but pretty much no matter what he did it didn't happen. Eventually, and after much laziness and stomach expanding, he was able to gain weight and looked pretty normal, no longer skinny. Now, he's gotten used to being lazy and eating alot and he weighs more than he wants... go figure! LOL So he's a little on the chunky side.

So, my point on that was, that I used to laugh at him, when he tried to gain weight. That whole, "If only I had that problem!" I wanted to be too skinny too, and now, although I am obviously not too skinny for most things (I'm actually morbidly obese) I am nearly too skinny to get the surgery I need to no longer be morbidly obese. So now, I had 10 days... yes, only 10 days, to gain 10 pounds. Yikes. Well, not 10 whole pounds, more like 8, I had already gained 2 in the weeks leading up to this. I succeeded in gaining 5. I didn't gain 10. I gained 5. Arg. And today is the day I'm supposed to reduce my calories by 200. Luckily I was fibbing on my tally, and where my Diet Coke should be, I put in Coke. So I have a fictitious extra 300 or so calories I can take away without actually doing it.

I'm truly afraid, that when I start cutting the calories back, my body will do what it wants to do and lose weight. I know, again, that sounds horrible. After all, my whole goal is to lose weight, and you know what? I could. I could lose some weight without the surgery. BUT. I could probably only lose about 30 pounds. Where will that get me? I'll be too skinny to get the surgery, I'll be stuck at that weight -- which is still too heavy, and I will eventually gain it back, because that's how life is. I won't have anything stopping me from eating too much, I'll become complacent and my stomach will stretch from eating just a little too much - often - and food will no longer be gross. I'll gain it back and then more, and my skin will stretch more and my stretch marks will get worse. I'll be 300 pounds and really need the surgery but then I'll not have a job because I lost it after a bout of depression caused me to stay home too much and I won't have insurance and I'll just get even bigger!!!!! Or, my sleep apnea will kill me while I sleep.

Ok, so a little melodramatic, but that's just me. These are my fears and I don't want to live like this anymore.

Eating and Tracking

So, as you know I'm on the doctor monitored weight-loss plan. I'm 7 days into my 10 day tracking. Here's the google calender that you can see what I ate on:



(Note: I think you need a google account to see it...?)

You can see if you view it that I'm doing a very good job eating like a fat girl. I even gained back about 3 of the pounds I lost recently. It's upsetting to see that on the scale, but ultimately my goal is to get the surgery so I can see ALOT fall off. So if that means sacrificing my dignity for a few months, so be it. I've been fat for 10 years. A few more months isn't going to cause me any more distress. Is it?

I did pad it a little so I have some wiggle room to cut calories without losing too much weight. Most of the "Coke" you see on there is actually Diet Coke. No calories. I put it as regular coke so I can cut an easy 200 calories out of my diet, thereby extending the amount of time it takes to lose the weight.

I'm figuring at the rate that he has me cutting calories I'll lose about 16 pounds. Not good. I need to figure out how to cut that in half or less. Preferably like a pound a month average.

Doomed.

Ok, so I'm starting to think fate is against me.
I woke up this morning and checked my scale. I'm at 239 lbs. Only 8 pounds away from not being able to get the surgery. This wouldn't be bad, except that I've been eating like a pig to gain 10 lbs for the last week. So instead of gaining.... I lose a pound. Yeesh. If this keeps up I'll never make the 6 months without going below 231.

This should make me happy. All my life, well, mostly for the last 10 years of it, I've struggled to keep the weight off, wishing I could lose weight easier. So now, now I am. I'm losing weight without even trying. While trying to GAIN weight, and what am I? I'm bummed. I'm disappointed because I know as soon as I give up on the surgery, because I've hit the 231 mark, I'll start gaining weight again and I'll have to start all over again on the lap band thing. It wouldn't be that bad except that I've got to do the 6 months diet plan and at the end I still have to be over 231!!!

Anyway, I know this is a silly thing to complain about so... yay. I lost a pound without even trying.... yay.