Food

The things we learn about food when we're forced to eat too much:

• Food is gross!
• Don't eat too much.
• Food is gross!
• I don't like that.
• Food is gross!

Okay, okay. Enough on my food is gross thing. That's just it though. I've been on this thing trying to gain a little weight now so I'm not under my minimum weight to have my WLS. I thought it would be easy, just go back to eating like I was before I started dieting, and Viola! There's that ten pounds you lost.

What I didn't count on was that my stomach was smaller from not eating so much, so when I tried to eat more..... *blech* Food is gross. For the past few days I have been consuming an average of 3700 calories per day. I'm eating the worst for you stuff I could find and I hate it.

I always used to laugh at my boyfriend. There was a time when he was only 140 lbs, and he's 6'1". He was always upset because he was "too skinny" which makes sense for a guy and especially one that tall. He was always trying to gain weight, but pretty much no matter what he did it didn't happen. Eventually, and after much laziness and stomach expanding, he was able to gain weight and looked pretty normal, no longer skinny. Now, he's gotten used to being lazy and eating alot and he weighs more than he wants... go figure! LOL So he's a little on the chunky side.

So, my point on that was, that I used to laugh at him, when he tried to gain weight. That whole, "If only I had that problem!" I wanted to be too skinny too, and now, although I am obviously not too skinny for most things (I'm actually morbidly obese) I am nearly too skinny to get the surgery I need to no longer be morbidly obese. So now, I had 10 days... yes, only 10 days, to gain 10 pounds. Yikes. Well, not 10 whole pounds, more like 8, I had already gained 2 in the weeks leading up to this. I succeeded in gaining 5. I didn't gain 10. I gained 5. Arg. And today is the day I'm supposed to reduce my calories by 200. Luckily I was fibbing on my tally, and where my Diet Coke should be, I put in Coke. So I have a fictitious extra 300 or so calories I can take away without actually doing it.

I'm truly afraid, that when I start cutting the calories back, my body will do what it wants to do and lose weight. I know, again, that sounds horrible. After all, my whole goal is to lose weight, and you know what? I could. I could lose some weight without the surgery. BUT. I could probably only lose about 30 pounds. Where will that get me? I'll be too skinny to get the surgery, I'll be stuck at that weight -- which is still too heavy, and I will eventually gain it back, because that's how life is. I won't have anything stopping me from eating too much, I'll become complacent and my stomach will stretch from eating just a little too much - often - and food will no longer be gross. I'll gain it back and then more, and my skin will stretch more and my stretch marks will get worse. I'll be 300 pounds and really need the surgery but then I'll not have a job because I lost it after a bout of depression caused me to stay home too much and I won't have insurance and I'll just get even bigger!!!!! Or, my sleep apnea will kill me while I sleep.

Ok, so a little melodramatic, but that's just me. These are my fears and I don't want to live like this anymore.